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Mos2Som
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Name: Mark
Country: United States
State: New York
Birthday: 7/7/1983
Gender: Male
Interests: Drinking, Smoking, Drugs, pretending to be a Christian, Having lots of sex, making little children cry...
Expertise: making fun of emo kids
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
4/9/2003
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| I kill nothing but time, And Dreams, As I wait on a moment that may have passed. Cruel fates have conspired against me, In the shape of a devine smile. I find my self trapped between two angels wings, If we fly I may die, but if we fly I a may finally live. | | |
| This Fire burns like cancer, The Scarring lasts forever. We all play tricks on fools, That see us as thier sinless answer. -Dead Poetic | | |
| "Hope is the worst of all evil for it prolongs the suffering of man."
"So dark the con of man."
"Man's life is chiefly happy because he ever expect is will soon be so."
I realized something today, life is so pointless. I say life is
pointless not because there is nothing after life, but rather because
there is nothing to life. I have gone the majority of my life
hoping that I will one day find love and happiness, when truth be told,
I am incapable of both. I dont want to make blanket statements
and accuse all of humanity of the same self decpetion that I have
commited, perhaps there truely are happy people who understand
how to love, I dont know I am not those people. I can only speak
for myself, and my life has been a tire spinning out of control on a
bike that has been pushed down a hill with no rider, eventually life
will grow weary of watching me make the same mistakes and I will
crash. I follow the same the cycle over and over. I search
out things that will make me happy, devote my life to finding heppiness
in my prospects, grow weary of not finding happiness, ditch the
unuseful, and begin searching again. I have done this with
sports, religion, morality, preaching, relationships, and my newest
disaster "fun". Today I realized that I dumbed seeking a
relationship with God out and preaching in pursuit of happiness through
worldly fun. I also realized today that there is no happiness at
the end of worldy fun, bozing, gamabling, hitting on babes, clubbing,
baring, and all the shit that goes with fun holds no happiness for
me. Only more depression. Will I ever break this
cylcle? Probably not...
Maybe thats what the point of my life is, to find despair at every revolution.
I hope someone reading this is intellegent enough to ask the
question, "What is so bad about Mark's life? He has a great
family with great friends, he has a warm house to sleep in and a car
that gets hime from point a to point b, he always has clothes on his
back and food in his belly, Mark what the hell is up son?" This
question weighs constintly on my conscience. How dare I be
mesrible when there are children who will starve to death tonight,
people who will die in the streets because they are cold, parents who
are to sick to take care of thier children. What the hell is so
bad about my life that I have a right to complain, the answer is
nothing. There is absolutly nothing about my life that warrents
my depression. I feel like the cursed pirates from Pirates of the
Carribean. They had food and drink but they could not be
satified. That is me, an unquenchable vaccume doomed to consume
myself in an effort to find satisfaction.
I always imagined that I would one day come crawling back to God like
the brother/son from Jesus' great parable, but the more I think about
it the more I realize that I dont know my way back to God
anymore. This of course leads me to beleive that I cant find my
way back because I was never there to begin with. Perhaps I never
knew God and that is way it was so easy to leave him in the rearview
mirror. God has become like some of my friends at Nyack who I no
longer talk to because of a lack of effort to commincate on both of our
parts. Of course we were never really that close or we would find
a way to talk to eachother, but as it is we dont talk becuase we
propably dont care. Naturally this has lead me to question the
existence of Heaven, and here is why, I cant believe in Heaven because
then I would have to beleive in hell aswell, and I cant beleive in hell
because if hell exists then I must be in it, if I am in hell then I
have no hope of ever finding happiness, and if I have no hope then I
have no reason to live. Sound circular? It is, I cant
beleive in heaven because then I wouldnt have any hope.
"That fucked up"
Anyway I been up all night and I dont even know if any of this rambling
makes sense, nor do I care. Emotions dont make sense and what I
just wrote is what I feel now, so of course it doesnt make sense.
If it dosent make sense because of the spelling and grammer keep in
mind I been up all night and I am way to tired to edit this peice of
shit that doesent make any sense anyway.
But what do I know
-Mark
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| I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way | | |
| And so I sit here, I just sit here and wait.
And I exist,
I don’t know how to live,
So I just exist.
I breathe I eat I sleep,
But I do not live. I wait for the dark,
It’s my only alibi,
Against the accusation,
Of the light.
The nights my friend,
And my shield.
It protects from,
The hurtful thoughts. I have to run away,
But I am trapped on this Island.
The Island holds me,
For what purpose,
I can only guess.
This Island hates me,
The sentiment is mutual.
I must run for my life. But I am stranded here... | | |
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